Thursday, 9 November 2017

What I did on my holidays, by Priti Patel (aged 45)

Booked a trip to the Holy Land with hubby Alex and the boy. Planned to see the dome on the rock, Bethlehem, Jerusalem, the works and then maybe some beach time on the Med.

But oh dear, accidentally ended up in the Golan Heights at an Israeli army hospital looking at all the Palestinians they've shot. Then somehow accidentally met Bibi - the prime minister. Much nicer person than our PM, so friendly and willing to fund my backstabbing attempt on Theresa. Offered the nice man a slice of our £12bn overseas aid budget just to show my appreciation. TBH, it's hard to get rid of the cash. I've been handing out tens of thousands to people who write three page reports just to make it look like I'm achieving something. If only I'd realized Israel was willing to take it earlier.

Then, I somehow accidentally met ten other members of the Israeli government who my boss Lord Polak took me to see. (My boss comes on all family holidays, just in case I need to be told do something while out of the country)

Pretty: Gimme shekels

When I arrived back in the UK everyone was acting like I'd done something wrong, so pushed off to Africa.

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